again these are all
again these are often very rough...not meant to be final revisions. one or two i have begun to polish but a lot of this no. but it is doing me good to go ahead and put them up, even if you're too busy to come in, knowing that you will be coming in eventually.
posted by bl at 1:22 PM
1 Comments:
BBB,
You always have the ability to make the most mundane street corner looks like an abandoned cul-de-sac in Paris, yet it retains its own ugliness and perversity.
These pieces remind me of M. Duras' writing, though she breaks up her thoughts into self-contained sentences. I don't think that you should change a single word in Blondie vs Darky 1. Its language reminds me what good writing is all about. It maintains the spirit of your flow of consciousness. Each choice of word is a bend of a hidden street leading to titillating thoughts. It is a text that opens up to many other layers of texts in my head. The experience of perusing it is like unwrapping a losely but delicatedly wrapped gift.
Blondie and Darky 2 is at the right length. It jumps out and perhaps hidden among this quadruplet primarily because it is the only one that focuses on the narrator/character's inner space somewhat directly by drilling into it, rather than through external objects. The line "you don't remember that there is a plumber doesn't mean that there isn't one…" (something like that) is very neatly posited. Playing logical games is very Kundera. It is not "original" but it is really at the right place and right moment. It attacks your senses.
I love the way you follow #2 by #3. Essentially, 1 and 2 describe two very similar states. #1 pays more attention to the "self," as the thinker contemplates upon her own body and appearance by using the man's body as her vehicle. #3 gradually leads us to feel her desire of this man's body, and to desire her through her desire of this man's body. #3 possibly requires the largest amount of revisions. The flow of consciousness effort becomes a touch circuitous. I also feel that you could get rid of some of the self-relfexive passages (i.e. thoses lines through which the narrator directly addreses the viewers). In the previous two chapters, these self-reflexive passages work as an integral part of the narrative. Here in #3, because of the circuitous layout of the piece, it becomes a marker that informs the reader of your writing trouble. In very theoretical terms, in the first two chapters, your self-reflexiveness "dismantles" the narrative in a very interesting way. In #3, it simply disorganizes it. As you obviously would have known, the structural links between lines of thoughts and themes could be re-arranged. The build-up of desire and understanding of the character, however, is captivating.
#4 and 5 seem to be a touch incomplete. I desire to see more and hear more.
"Service in Back" is absurdist. It is cunning, cool, direct and energetic. I can't see it expanded per se. I love the fact that you structure the piece pretty much around a man's trajectory of getting off, and your irony between sexual pleasure (and the ultimate orgasm) that are both mechanical, unromantic, commercial and intense, uncontrollable and inexhaustible. I guess that it is every man's dream to get worked up until you want to yell stop and jump off the chair; but the setting is so hysterical and anti-climatic itself. I think that it is an absolutely wonderful piece. I can't wait to see the re-write.
I hope that these comments are okay. I'll start posting something this couple of weeks.
Cheers,
Victor
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